I have a bad case of the flu.  Up all night.  Will blog Mon.

James 2:5  "And the tongue is a little member, (of the body) and boasts great things.  Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindles."  Here's the story to go with that verse.  Ken is the villain.

After I started cleaning, I kept at it and straightened everything in the house.  I found this beautiful medal in one of the drawers in the bedroom.  "What did you do to get this medal," I asked him.
"I'll tell you only if you promise to keep it to yourself.  I don't want to brag."
"Tell me!"
"It was awarded to me for being the greatest fighter pilot in the Marine Corps."

That night we went to a squadron party, my first.  Everyone wanted to meet Ken's new bride.  One of the pilots who came up to welcome me was J. L. Smith.  He had a beautiful gold medal on a blue ribbon around his neck.  "My husband has a gold medal like that," I told him.
"Really,  I bet you are very proud of him," he told me.  "How did he receive it?" he asked.
"I'm not supposed to tell.  He doesn't want to brag."
"You can tell me, I'm a good friend of his.  He won't mind if you tell me."
He was so very nice.  So polite. So I told him.
Next day Ken came storming in the door, "What did you tell J.L. about me being the world's greatest fighter pilot?"  He wasn't happy.  "The medal abound J.L's. neck is the Congressional Medal of Honor!!  He was the ace in World War II in Europe.  He's on the cover of Life magazine for Pete's sake."
So why did you tell me you were the greatest?  And what is that medal in the drawer?"
"Football.  I got it playing for the Pensacola Goslings.  I'm never going to live this down.  The entire squadron is going to rag me for the rest of my life."
"You shouldn't have teased me.  I thought you were telling me the truth.  Now, all the people in the squadron are going to think I'm really dumb."
"Naw," he said. "They think you are cute.  And very loyal to your man."

James 4:13b "You that say, today or tomorrow we will go into such a city and continue there a year…"
James 14:14  "You don't know what will happen tomorrow.  For what is your life?  It is even a vapor, that appears for a little time, and then vanishes away."

"You will go into such a city (Pensacola) and continue there a year….," well I didn't make it.  I was so lonesome I could die.  I got on a bus and went back to Oklahoma after four months.  I didn't think of it as 'leaving Ken.'  I just couldn't stand it any more.  I had no one but Ken in Pensacola and he was never home.  I took a leave of absence from my job, kissed Ken goodbye and left.

Two weeks later he called.  "Are you coming back?"
"Do you want me to come back?"
"You know I do."
"Maybe I'll be back in a week or so."
My dad took the phone out of my hand and said, "Ken, I'm putting her on the bus tomorrow."

My dad was a very sweet man who seldom asserted himself.  He had never ever told me what to do.  He left that up to my mother.  That's when I knew I was really married.  That's when I knew that Pryor wasn't my home anymore.

"You don't know what will happen tomorrow.  For what is your life?"  Well, mine was settled.  I was a Marine Corp wife.  I just had to figure out how to do it.  Like most eighteen year old girls, I had thought it would be 'dreamy' and romantic.  Which it was, occasionally.  Then reality set in.  This was going to require something of me.  I hadn't ever thought that far ahead.

I started by tearing up a towel and dusting our house.  It was a pit.  

James 1: 18-19  "Of his own will he begat us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures, Wherefore…let everyone be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger:  For the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God."

If ever there was  a person swift to hear and slow to speak, Ken was it.  And his response when I was angry was  to just listen, and watch me.  Just watch.  So frustrating.  I wanted him to react, but he never did.  The difference in our ages was a good  thing.  He was very patient.  I was in a strange place with not a single friend, no family, no car and living at the end of nowhere by the reed covered backwaters of the Florida shore.  Not another person for miles.  I spent my days waiting for him to come home.  He spent his working with cadets.  It was grueling work.  He came home really tired every day.  And hungry.

But with no car, I couldn't go get groceries.  So most nights we would go to the grocery store and try to figure out what to cook.  I had never bought groceries.  I didn't know what to do with them.  But I tried.  I really worked hard at it.  Some of my efforts were inedible.  But Ken ate it.  He never said a negative word.  Except once.  "I can't eat Spam.  I'll eat anything you fix but Spam."  Seems like when he was in Korea, the supply ship couldn't get in and the only thing the cook had on the shelves was canned Spam--for a month.  "Spam and eggs, Spam sandwiches, Sweet and sour Spam, Chopped Spam with Mac and Cheese, ….I just can't do Spam," he told me.  Everything else I put in front of him for fifty-seven years, he ate.  And because he was so good about my efforts, I didn't give up.  I got better at it.

Be swift to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.  Great advice.  I was so blessed to have Ken for my best friend.  "Janie's a great cook," he told his friends.  "She's always ready to try something new."  Encouragement and praise work wonders.  Criticism doesn't.

The wedding was like a story book.  Military.  Seven guys in dress whites flew in from Pensacola in a Beechcraft.  White covers (hats), Ivory handled swords.  Bridesmaids in rainbow colors.  The church was so full that people were standing.  Ken's father officiated.  It was a beautiful wedding.  Pryor had never seen a military wedding before that--or since that.  Things like that don't happen here.

The arch of swords finished it off and as I went under them, I got a whack on the rear.  Custom in the Marine Corps.  We were married.  My plan had been to start college in September at OSU.  I was pre-enrolled and had a corner room in the dorm--a big deal because you got an extra window.  Ken's persistence changed all that.  I had to find a new normal.

"I met all your requirements?" I asked him--expecting some sweet answer like, "You exceeded them all."  But he said, "No, you only met eight of them."  I was flabbergasted.  "What do you mean!!  What two didn't I meet?"

"You are way to young.  And you have never have had to manage on your own.  You have always lived at home.  But I think you are smart enough to figure it all out.    You'll do."

He was right.  I had a lot to learn.  He said "You'll do" a lot.

He brought the pay check in the next month and laid it on the table.  "Here's what we earn."  WE.  "You have to learn how to manage it.  I will be gone a lot.  You'll have to take care of everything."

I spent it.  I didn't know about utilities.  Or telephone bills.  Or credit cards--I had never seen one.  It was really bad.  I had to find a real job to dig myself out.  Which I did.  The next month he laid the check on the table and said, "This is what we earn.  Don't get discouraged.  You'll do okay."  He never ever criticized me.  He never said a negative word.

He called that day.  "Did you try it on?"
"I did."
"Are you going to leave it on?"
"I'm thinking about it."  Truth was I had a date with another guy that night and there was no way I was going to leave it on.

Next day, I had a heart to heart with my mom.  "How do you know when you meet the right person?"
My mom was very wise.  "Everyone in Pryor adores him.  The men look up to him.  It's obvious he is in love with you.  He leads a fascinating and exciting life.  You won't be bored.  You could look the rest of your life and never find a better man.  And he will take care of you.  He is financially established.  You won't struggle.  And……he is soooooo good looking."  (Operative word)

When he flew in that weekend, I handed him the ring.  "You put it on my finger, and I will marry you."  And I did.  It took him from my birthday in March until August to convince me.  Six months of flying back and forth every weekend.  Best decision of my life. Looking back from 57 years later, I have one regret.  I didn't really have a clue who he was and didn't know how to appreciate how wonderful he was.  It took awhile.  I knew nothing about the Marine Corps and what an honor it was to be a part of all that.  He was a senior Captain.  I was just a kid.   I couldn't cook, I couldn't clean, I sent everything to the dry cleaners--even our under ware.  I had never washed a load of clothes.  (Remember that when I started to blog a year ago I told you that in my mother's house if you were reading a book, you didn't have to help with the housework.  Naturally I was always reading.)

The last week of his life, he looked up at me and said, "I'm so glad you married me."
"It has been such a great privilege to be your wife," I told him. "If I could do it over again, I would do it six months sooner.  All I did was waste time."

I loved him.  He loved me.  What else is there?

So after that chance meeting in September, I never heard from him again.  I didn't expect to hear from him.  He was my parent's friend, not mine.  But the following year, the last of March, he called my father and asked if he could have his permission to pursue me with marriage in mind.  My dad said,  "Does she know anything about this."

"No sir, I haven't spoken to her since last September.  She has no idea that I am interested.  She is so much younger than I am that I wanted to be sure you didn't object.  I was waiting until she turned 18 before I said anything to you."

My dad adored Ken and viva versa.  My dad said, "You certainly have my permission.  Catch her if you can,"  I don't think either one of them considered that I would say no.  Which I did.  Over and over.

Every weekend, Ken would finish his week at the training command, fly over Pryor very low, break the sound barrier,  (which was illegal) and rattle windows, land in Tulsa and spend the weekend trying to convince me to marry him.  Chanel #5, etc. etc.,  a very worn book from the Pensacola library: Cyrano De Bergerac.  I wonder if he had any plan to return it?  People would meet me downtown and say, "Why don't you marry him so this town can have some peace again."

Finally, after weeks and weeks he asked, "What is it going to take?"  I flippantly replied.  "Close to a carat, set in platinum, four prongs and a perfect diamond."  It came in the mail two days later.  Of course I took it to the jeweler to see if it was real.  "I never saw a perfect diamond before, I'm sure it must have a flaw, but I can't find one." he said.  I was shocked.  This was serious.  And I had been teasing.  Like I said in James 1: 17 "Every good and every perfect gift is from above and comes down from the father of lights in whom there is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."  This was turning out to be perfect in more ways than one.  I had started to realize that Ken was pretty perfect himself.  

Before Pensacola, before Korea, Ken was flying Corsairs at El Toro, California.  John Wayne came down to the squadron and asked the squadron commander if he could borrow all of  the 1st and 2nd Lieutenants that weren't married (he didn't want any one that had a family to end up getting killed)  to fly in a movie he was making:  Flying Leathernecks.  The government furnished the planes and fuel, called it a training exercise and the Lieutenants got to have fun.  War movies were very popular at the time, so Ken flew in three or four of John's movies.

He said the best part was that every day after they were through flying, and shooting film, John would invite all of them to a party.  Everyone would be there.  John, the film crew, the extras, and starlets--who thought the Marine fighter pilots were cool.  I didn't hear all that from Ken.  Years later the guys would sit around our kitchen table and tell stories--that got bigger and better every time they told them.

Surely he had a lot of opportunities to find someone.  But that "list" he had in his head….  She had to be a Christian.  She had to be a Baptist (preferably--what with being a Baptist himself and having a Baptist preacher for a father.  Also,  using that wisdom he had been endowed with, it's just easier if you've been raised alike. ) She had to be smart (so much for the starlets).  And on and on…

James 1: 5-6, 8 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and doesn't upbraid; it will be given to him.  But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.  For if you waver you are like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.  A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. "

He was not double minded.  I never in my life met anyone more sure of himself than Ken.  He was quiet, confident, good looking and cocky.  Have you ever met a Marine fighter pilot that wasn't???
Continued…..

Ken had not taken leave during both the years at war, nor  for the two and a half years as the final stage instructor at flight school.  His commanding officer said that he should think about taking a break.  He did.  He came back to the place where he had grown up.  His parents had moved years before to Oregon,  so Ken looked up his family's friends.  My mom and dad had been his parent's best friends for years--attended all the football games together to see Ken play.  I didn't remember anything about him.  I was in the third grade when he graduated from high school.

His father was pastor of the First Baptist Church.  He baptized me.  I still remember many of his sermons.  As a child, they were dramatic.  He would hang 30-40 foot canvases across the front of the church.  Painted with pictures that followed his sermon so that children would understand.  He would start on the left side of the canvas, and move to the right.  Sometimes a canvas would stay up for weeks as he finished teaching.  In all the years since, I've never heard anyone who came close to his gift for preaching God's Word.  He changed all of our lives with his dedication to studying and teaching.

When Ken came by the house to see my folks, I was seventeen.  He was twenty-six.  I was a silly young girl just starting her senior year in high school.  He was a mature Marine Captain.  Honestly, I never really saw him--I saw his car parked on the street.  An ivory Hudson Hornet convertible with red leather seats. ( I had a bunch of my girl friends at the house with me at the time.)  We asked if we could drive it.  He handed me the keys.  We must have dragged main a dozen times making sure every one in Pryor saw us.  It was so much fun.  But eventually we took his car back and thanked him.  He said goodbye to my folks and left.  I gave no thought of us ever crossing paths again.  He was an incident.  The car was real.

James 1:5a  "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that gives to all men liberally…"  Ken had used a lot of wisdom in the years before that chance meeting.  He had actually made a mental list of all the things he wanted in a wife.  After he returned from Korea, he had been looking.  He hadn't found what he wanted.  Hard to believe.  He was living in Pensacola--surrounded by women.   He was the ultimate "Officer and a Gentleman. (Continued)

James 1:17 "Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning."

Ken was my perfect gift.  He was given to me and I didn't even know it.  People keep asking me about all this so I am going to tell you some of it.  He was a fighter pilot in the Marine Corps.  Single seat.  He was back from the war in Korea, tested and wizened.  He was 26 years old--not a kid anymore.  In his first 27 missions, he had been hit 7 times, totaled two airplanes and received two Distinguished Flying Crosses.  And many, many air metals.

On returning to the States, he was offered the solo position with the Blue Angels and in typical Ken style he said, "What do you do besides travel, live out of a suit case and entertain people?"  He turned it down saying, "I want to do something useful.  So they assigned him to the final stage of flight training. There were 10 stages.  The tenth stage was landing on a carrier.  And you had to do it ten times before you were eligible for your wings.  A lot of the candidates passed nine stages but couldn't make ten landings on a carrier.  In their defense, it is one, if not the, hardest things fighter pilots do.  The deck is pitching up and down, rolling right and left and that doesn't even count what you will be required to do when you get your wings.  In real life, you will be hooking wire in the black of night, in the middle of the ocean--in a storm, on a rolling pitching deck.

Ken was an expert at those kinds of landings.  He was an LSO.  Landing signal officer.  The guy with the orange suit and paddles that stood on the deck and waved them aboard.  (Before they began to use mirrors.)  He had to be able to hook wire himself with every type of air craft that was coming aboard.  He flew them all.  He was carrier qualified--to say the least.  I'll have to finish this tomorrow.  I'm out of space.

Although I have talked about James, I have avoided the book of James.  He is a black and white kind of guy.  No discussion.  No lead in or explanation, he just says what's on his mind.  I really don't  think he cares very much what you think.  He is just stating the truth.

That said, I finally made myself read the book again and was amazed at how many verses I had memorized from four pages of the book of James.  I have a new appreciation for him.

Remember, all of these books in the New Testament were written by different people and then collected.  They don't sound alike.  They don't write alike.  They are all very different men.

Interestingly enough, one of the big differences is how they start their letters.  James starts by saying his letter is to the twelve tribes scattered abroad.  These would be Jews who hadn't necessarily heard the word about Jesus.

Then he jumps right in and tells you in verse 2 to be thankful when you are tempted.  "…count it all joy…" he says.  Because the trying of your faith makes you patient.

Strange way to start a letter.  As a matter of fact, he uses the word patient or patience throughout the book.  Also the subject of temptation.

I think that he thought the development of patience was the first step of the Christian life.  Later in verse 12 he says,  "Blessed is the man that endures temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to them that love him."  Enduring produces patience.

I'm not very patient.  I probably should revise that to say, "I'm not patient at all."   Probably need to work on that.

I don't like batteries.  Ken always took care of that.  And everything in the house is breaking down for need of a battery.  The garage door key pad.  The scales in the bathroom.  The blood pressure cuff.  The flashlight.  My watch.

And you can't just go get a battery.  You have to figure out how to take something apart to find the dead battery.  Taking things apart is not one of my strong points.  And of course the package of batteries you bought last week won't fit whatever you are trying to fix.  The first time I went to buy a battery, I told the clerk I needed a battery.  "What kind?" she asked.

I had to go home and take the TV remote control apart to find out what was in there.  I didn't even know that you had batteries in the control.  I guess I just thought it was magic.  I didn't know there were different kinds.  But I have learned about batteries.  I always have some dead battery in my purse so that when the clerk asks me what kind, I can pull the dead battery out and say, "This kind."

Peter ends his first letter with praise for Paul, and with a warning.  1 Peter 3: 15b-16a  (My translation)  "…Paul also according to the wisdom that he has been given,  tells you in all of his letters about these things.  ( Mistakes people make who don't know scripture)   Some of the things that he writes about are hard to understand because you haven't learned and have to struggle with what he is saying."

You need to learn scripture.  If it is a struggle, get a translation that is easy.  Like the Living Bible.   It is kind of like learning about batteries or anything else you don't know.  It takes time. You have to start somewhere.  You can't live your life being spoon fed by a preacher once a week.

I have progressed.  I went in the store the other day and said, "I need a package of triple A batteries.  And I knew what I was doing.  I felt like a real, honest to goodness adult.

Peter decided that the two women were telling the truth.  Jesus was indeed risen.  And over the next few days as Jesus appeared to them, Peter was forever changed.  After Jesus had gone to God, Peter preached one, if not the, most convincing sermons in Biblical history.  Thousands upon thousands believed in the gospel story.  It is always convincing when someone says, "Let me tell you what happened.  I saw it.  I was there."  Peter no longer was fearful of the Jewish high priests and Pharisees.  Bring them on!!!

These personal accounts from John, Luke, Matthew, Mark, James, Peter and others, which are identical to each other, are powerful.  The fact that they wrote down what they saw is certainly a God thing.  He had us in mind.  He wanted us to hear first hand accounts about Jesus so that we would have great confidence in the story of Jesus.  So that we would believe and know our sins are forgiven.

The other doubter that I really love is Thomas.  Remember when Jesus appeared to his disciples and Thomas wasn't present.  When his friends told them that Jesus was risen, Thomas said that couldn't happen.  People didn't rise from the dead.   He said he wouldn't believe it unless he put his finger in the nail holes in Christ's hands and his side where the Roman soldier had stabbed him.

And then Jesus appeared to Thomas and said, "Thomas, put your hand in my side.  Touch these wounds in my hands."  And Thomas fell to his knees and said, "My Lord and My God."  He called Jesus God.  No other person had ever said that.  And he didn't have to touch his hands or side.  He could see Him.  It was Jesus.

That's pretty powerful.  Peter.  Thomas.  Doubters.  God bless them.

Give me a good doubter any day of the week.  I don't want to be like a sheep that follows the crowd and ends up going over the cliff.  Sheep are stupid.  When you doubt something, you should try to find out the truth.

Peter doubted.  When  Mary Magdalene, and Johanna the mother of James came back from the empty tomb, none of the disciples believed their story.  Luke 23: 11-12 "And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.  Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulcher; and stooping down, he held the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass."

Good old Peter.  Everyone else was sitting around agreeing with each other.  But Peter was an individual who was always asking questions.  Always looking for the truth.  So even though he didn't believe the two women, he got up off his behind and ran--not walked--to the tomb to check it out for himself.  He doubted what the women had told them, but his doubt wasn't going to stop him from checking it out for himself.

And then, he wondered "in himself at what had happened."  Then he was ready for the truth.  I think you can tell I really love this character, Peter.  He is so real.  Flawed, but a real person.  Always first to speak.  Always first to question.  Never intimidated.  I just think he is a neat person.  If you want to get a real picture of him, read what Luke and Acts have to say about him.

1 Peter 1: 15-16 Moreover, I will endeavor that you may be able after I die to have these things always in remembrance.  For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty."  He was an eyewitness.  He checked everything out for himself.  And when he discovered the truth, his life was never the same.

I can't seem to stay in the book I am writing about.  In this case 1 Peter.  I start looking up references to something and then I am chasing rabbits.  Additionally, I am always reading some other book in the Bible because I have finished the one I am writing about and so I start reading something else.  And no, I don't always understand everything I am reading.  I just keep on keeping on.  It is so interesting.

I say that to say this.  I am halfway through the book of Luke and have been amazed at how many times he quotes Peter.  Peter seems to be his secondary character.  Of course Jesus is first.

Luke was a doctor.  He was precise.  And the things he wrote about and the way he wrote about Jesus was different from Matthew, Mark and John.  When Luke became a Christian, he really had no idea of what had happened in Jesus' early life.  So he went back to the sources.  Probably to the mother of Jesus, because some of the things he tells us, the other three gospel writers don't tell us.  Like the story of Elizabeth, the mother of John the Baptist and how Mary came to see her before Jesus was born.  

There is a translation of the four Gospels called the Parallel Gospels that has all four, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John on the same page.  In columns.  So you can compare what each writer wrote that the others didn't.  And what they left out.  It is fascinating how differently each one wrote.

But Peter, and the stories about him seem to fascinate Luke.   At one point Luke says that Peter, always outspoken, says:  (loose translation)  "Lord, when you tell these parables are you telling them for us, or are they for everyone?)  Luke 12: 41.   Peter's mind was always turning, trying to figure out what and who Jesus was.  But when it was crunch time, Jesus asked the twelve, "Who do you say that I am?"  And Peter, always first to speak said "Thou art the Christ, the son of the Living God." Matt. 16:16

1 Peter 3: 15 16b  "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asks you a reason of the hope that is in you--with meekness and fear: " that "…they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ."

I am never exactly sure of the total meaning of the word "sanctify".  The dictionary says that it means to, "set apart, declare holy, consecrate, purify, free from sin."  Whatever it meant in the Greek, in our English translation, all of those words apply.  It takes action on our part.  We have to clean out the sin.  we have to purify our lives, our speech.

I do know what it means to "...be ready always to give an answer…" to anyone who asks a reason for your hope.  The hope that drives your life.  Sometimes people do ask.  Usually they don't, but you can be ready if they do, if you study God's word.  It's okay to say, "I don't know exactly where this is found in the Bible, but I have read it myself.  I know it's in there."  You can always get  back with them later.

But don't hit them over the head with the Bible.  Meekness.  Fear.  It's scary.  You may be rejected.  But Peter says that they may be ashamed when they see your sincerity, genuine care for them, and your love of Christ.

Go ahead.  Share Christ.  Be ready.  Always.  What do you have to lose.  More importantly, what do they have to gain.

Be bold.  Be courteous.  And remember, you may save someone's life.  That's what you and I are all about.

Eventually Peter has to say something we don't want to hear.  1 Peter 2: 13-15  "Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; or to governors, as to them (law men) that are sent by him (the governor) for the punishment of evildoers…for so is the will of God, that with well-doing you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men."

Now Peter has gone to meddling.  But what he doesn't say is submit yourselves to the king or governor.  I can live with that.  I can submit myself to "every ordinance".   Kind of.  Obviously Peter didn't have to deal with the United States government that loves to pass ordinances.  Stupid ones.  And even when they are outdated, they stay on the books.

But I try.  I'm just not a very good submitter.  I bet you aren't either.  But we must try.  My biggest problem is stop signs.  They irritate me.  When no one is coming from any direction, stopping just for the sake of obeying the rule is difficult for me.  I (we) want to make our own rules.

But the reason that Peter gives for stopping (or whatever law you are breaking) is that it is the will of God.  I would rather it just be something Peter is advising us to do.  But no, Peter invokes the will of God.  That is a different ballgame.

And God's reason is that when we do what we are supposed to do, we silence those who rebel against the law.  God calls them ignorant, and foolish.

I don't particularly want to be included among the ignorant and foolish.  And I do want to do the will of God.  His purpose is that we have a witness to those who don't know Him.  Okay.  I'll try harder.

I tried to drive to Tulsa today because I had two Dr. appointments that had been really hard to get.  Of course the roads were covered with ice.  And at a little over 30 mph, driving in ruts, I did a 180 plus another 90 and ended up in a ravine.  A highway patrol was there within a minute and helped me out.  No air bags deployed and I ended up going in backwards.  So nothing was hurt.  Me or the car.

As it was happening, I was saying out loud, "Dear Jesus, Oh, dear Jesus."  Over and over.  If I weren't a Christian, I doubt those words would have been my instantaneous reaction.  But there I was, spinning and calling on the name of the Lord.

Yes, I went on and made both appointments and all the roads were clear and melted off by the time I started home.  God is good.

Which made me think of the verse, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."  What goes in comes out in times of panic.

What comes out of your mouth?  If you haven't been putting good stuff into your heart, you know the kind of stuff that comes out of your mouth.  We've all been there.  But no more.  Peter calls on us to be holy.  As Christ is holy.  It takes preparation ahead of time.  You can't wait until you need him.

My four children read this blog.  Not one word from any of you about how I should have stayed home.

It's been four days since I have had heat.  And of course the temperatures are freezing and this morning we had 2-3 inches of snow.  Luckily I like to sleep cold.  Luckily I have good insulation.  It's in the 20's outside and the 50's inside.  And luckily I had a carpenter come three years ago and build a fireplace for Ken that runs on propane.  (Ken was always cold because of dialysis.)  And install a propane tank and lines etc. etc.  So one room is warm "enough" and I am cuddled up under a blanket with my two dogs--waiting for someone to get around to fixing my heat pump.

Which gives me time to read.   At no other time in my life have I read the Bible like I am reading it now.  I have so much time on my hands.  These last years have been so full--every day I was cooking the special foods that Ken was approved to eat.  Cooking without salt is a challenge.

But now, I have quit cooking.  I stand in the kitchen and eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon.  Or tuna out of the can.  I find it interesting that the reason I cooked was to give Ken the things he liked to eat and was allowed to eat.  I didn't know that was the reason.  I thought I cooked for both of us.  But when he was gone,  I found that I don't care enough about food to cook it for myself.  I never served him sandwiches.  Now they are my main meal of the day.

I think what I am trying to say is that I am surprised at myself.   I am not the same without Ken.

And Peter was not the same when Jesus left.  When Jesus died, Peter was a better man.  He was ready to start a new life as a messenger to the world about the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I don't think he ate peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon.  I've got to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what Peter did.  Find a new normal and get busy with some  new purpose.  I can do it.  God's gonna help me.  It's just strange to be me without Ken.  I'm not sure who I am yet.