It's been four days since I have had heat.  And of course the temperatures are freezing and this morning we had 2-3 inches of snow.  Luckily I like to sleep cold.  Luckily I have good insulation.  It's in the 20's outside and the 50's inside.  And luckily I had a carpenter come three years ago and build a fireplace for Ken that runs on propane.  (Ken was always cold because of dialysis.)  And install a propane tank and lines etc. etc.  So one room is warm "enough" and I am cuddled up under a blanket with my two dogs--waiting for someone to get around to fixing my heat pump.

Which gives me time to read.   At no other time in my life have I read the Bible like I am reading it now.  I have so much time on my hands.  These last years have been so full--every day I was cooking the special foods that Ken was approved to eat.  Cooking without salt is a challenge.

But now, I have quit cooking.  I stand in the kitchen and eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon.  Or tuna out of the can.  I find it interesting that the reason I cooked was to give Ken the things he liked to eat and was allowed to eat.  I didn't know that was the reason.  I thought I cooked for both of us.  But when he was gone,  I found that I don't care enough about food to cook it for myself.  I never served him sandwiches.  Now they are my main meal of the day.

I think what I am trying to say is that I am surprised at myself.   I am not the same without Ken.

And Peter was not the same when Jesus left.  When Jesus died, Peter was a better man.  He was ready to start a new life as a messenger to the world about the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I don't think he ate peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon.  I've got to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do what Peter did.  Find a new normal and get busy with some  new purpose.  I can do it.  God's gonna help me.  It's just strange to be me without Ken.  I'm not sure who I am yet.