One woman said, "I worry that I'm not going to be able to take care of myself."  Another  said, "If that happens to me, would one of you please shoot me."  None of the women worried about dying, they just worried about the process.  Not being a burden to their family.  Not getting sick and needing help.  After everyone had talked for 30 minutes or so, one of them asked what bothered me the most about growing older.

"Well,"  I said, "I want to be useful.  I want to have purpose when I get up in the morning.  After 57 years of cooking, sewing, moving, working at my job teaching, raising four kids and taking care of Ken--staying really busy, I'm not much use to anyone anymore.  I wish my family would give me small things to do "with" them when they have a project going on.  Not just "for" them--although I really like to do things 'for' them."

"I would like to be included in activities--even if it means just sitting in a chair and watching--surely there is something left for me to do that is useful in the middle of what's going on.  But aging is a fact.  You can't do everything you used to do.  And you get the feeling that you are just in the way.  That you don't have anything useful to offer.  Basically that you are a lot of trouble and nobody wants to be bothered having you underfoot.  That sounds pitiful, but it is what it is."

I feel like I'm just killing time most days.  I feel like I am waiting.  On something.  On someone to need me to do something.  I've always been so busy doing things.  And now, I've become an appendage to other people's lives.   I've become more trouble than I'm worth messing with."

Pat called the other day and said, "Mom, I have a doctor's appointment and I want you to go with me. I need a Doberman in the room to help me listen and remember what he says."  That was nice.  She needed me.  She thinks I'm a guard dog.

Becky brought me a bunch of fabric for me to package for an estate sale.  That killed two days.  I had to do it by myself--which was okay; I didn't need help and I felt useful.  But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss doing things "with" people.  That's what has been hardest for me.